I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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