How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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