I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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