So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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