just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
