i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
