I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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