I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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