At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
