apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
