I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
