and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
