her vagine was all disorganized.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
