I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
