My sheets look like a crime scene.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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