I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
