im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
