god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
