You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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