Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
