On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I looked at my own cervix.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Pants are for mortals
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
