Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
