I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
