The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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