I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
