soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
