Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
