I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
