Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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