So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
