____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
