I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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