We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
