fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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