Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
