you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
