so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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