i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
