One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
