What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
