I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
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Strip Mario-Kart
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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