i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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