He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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