I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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