I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
