I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
