Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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