how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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