"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
