I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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