I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
